Where Do You Stand In The "Twattering" World?

by Guest Author Jokka

Express your most insightful thoughts to the world in 140 characters or less. Some of us politics students can only dream of a world where social scientists would be so kind as to be that succinct. That said, in the brief time that Twitter has caught and held my attention I have found it somewhat difficult to condense a thought into 140 characters without havin 2 make sum serious compromises 2 my spellin n grama, a task that is in no way natural to me on account of my time spent in the long-winded world of social science. Why use 140 characters when 140 million will do? Because it's fun I hear you cry! Here's my take on the weird and wonderful people who flock to the phenomenon that is twitter.

Image by Tony Gigov

The Nympho Tweeter 

This tweeter is prolific and not afraid to show it. Often these users will log on through their mobile phones, tweeting their every thought, move and traumatic event. Quantity rather than quality is often the angle with this bunch.

E.g. So now Im @ the station waitin 4 my train. Got a mag & sum crisps from the shop. Yay

The Gluttonous Tweeter

Often a direct descendent of the Nympho Tweeter who perhaps has run out of things to say. This tweeter is seemingly always eating, posting details of their every meal and even posting pictures of everything from their gourmet burger at the local gastro pub to their failed attempts at a chocolate soufflé.

E.g. 4 lunch Im havin a BLT sarnie on brown from Greggs n a red Ribena. Dont no 2 get pasty 2

The Comedy Hash-Tag Tweeter 

This is the kind of Tweeter that I one day may aspire to be. Not prolific enough to be annoying, and certainly witty enough to be worth a read, the Comedy Hash-Tag Tweeter will tweet anecdotes from their day, or interesting thoughts and insert a hash-tag with a comic twist. 

Eg. I just realised I can fit 34 grapes into my mouth at once. #slutty

The Trendy Tweeter 

The tweeter will observe what the current trends are on twitter and then proceed to tell everyone who or what is trending, often to their disbelief or disgust, and include them in the post thus continuing the trend. This particular tweeter baffles me. The activity is not dissimilar to the real life scenario created by stock market speculation, without the often horrific consequences, though still just as systemically inevitable and pointless. 

E.g. OMG *insert z-list celeb here* is trending. Why the hell is #*aforementioned z-list celeb* trending!! Uhggh!!

The Retweeter A.k.a The Distribution Tweeter

Pretty self explanatory... They use Twitter for the sole purpose of spreading or re-tweeting what someone else has already said, seemingly unable to make a similar remark in 140 characters or less. Although, they often re-tweet interesting links when they fancy.

E.g. RT wat Thatotherguy656 said

Image by Tony Gigov

The Spam-Twitter Tweeter

Most of what is on the internet is not actually porn as many believe but spam. In actual fact, spam is a tech term for advertising. The real life equivalent of junk mail. Often falls under two sub-categories:

- The Ordinary Spam-Twitter Tweeter

People using twitter to spread phishing scams and advertising club nights, home-made jewellery and just about anything else you can possibly imagine. Ordinary people circulating spam will be reported and possibly banned from Twitter.

- The Celeb Spam-Twitter Tweeter

Celebrities using Twitter to promote their new book, CD, tour, film and anything else you can possibly imagine. Alan Sugar is a frequent offender on my homepage. Celebrities circulating spam will make lots of money and be adored by Twitter. 

E.g. Club Getyourtitsandlegsout.Sat.Cheap drinks.Presentin DJ MydaddyboughtmeamixingdeckandBeatsheadphonesforxmas

E.g. Buy my book u nonces! NOW! *Amazon link*

[BTW - I hope you all enjoyed my play on words dedicated to every ones' favourite surprise meat breakfast treat. It's there for you in good times and nuclear fallout alike].

The Silent Tweeter

Doesn't actually do much tweeting at all but simply uses Twitter to keep tabs on celebrities. Often these are obsessive individuals. May lead to actually physical stalking, which I am obligated to state could lead to prosecution in the United Kingdom.

The Ex-Facebooker Tweeter

People who moved on to using Twitter when they found themselves constantly updating their status and not doing much else.

E.g. #MarkZuckerburgisdissapointedinyou

The Everything-But Tweeter

This tweeter will often be the amalgamation of many kinds of tweeters – Retweeting, spamming, answering to tweets, silently stalking etc... However, regardless of the mix they all have one thing in common. They never tweet any original tweets of their own, but will agree to do 'everything-but', thus keeping their Twitterginity intact – arguably.

The Complicated Tweeter

How would I describe my relationship with Twitter? It's Complicated. I'm a bit of commitment-phobe and I don't want Twitter to get its hopes up. Besides, I might just stay with Facebook for now until google plus' chlamydia clears up.

E.g. I'm really starting to understand this Twitter business #lies

So tell me, what kind of Tweeter are you then?

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Jokka is currently unemployed but will tell stories for food. She loves stand up comedy, Chuck Palahniuk, bizarre films and eating. If she could spend the rest of her life doing one thing she'd spend it on a beach with bottle of rum in one hand and a man with low standards in the other while she dictates her articles to a type-writing parrot with a higher IQ than most of the cast of Glee. She is simultaneously looking forward to and dreading her stand up début next month. You can follow her thoughts by visiting her blog at http://thelaughingarmadillo.blogspot.com/

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Image Credits:

Tony Gigov on http://www.pink-sheep.com

http://www.toondoo.com

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Gigs, Cameras, and Weird Smells

Filming at gigs. I know, I know... Annoying, right? And probably illegal!

Some will argue that taking pictures and video-recording at gigs and festivals are the definition of "uncoolness".

Hey asshole you are blocking my view

You are standing there in the crowd, at a hotspot you guarded for two hours in advance, waiting for the curtain to fall. Everybody around you becomes restless as the allowed 15 minute window of opportunity for bands to show up before everybody starts to swear (obviously not applicable to Guns N' Roses), is coming to an end. Then it happens. Just seconds before the opening drum beat, the clicking noises and the blinding flashes, torture to your senses. Hands are in the air in various arrangements, some forming fists, the sign of the horns, and others clicking away relentlessly. Point is, you cannot see beyond hands holding cameras, so you may as well count on your sense of hearing (whatever's left from it!).

The a-live experience

Between the smell of sweat (especially if good old nature and genetics have not been kind to you and you are lucky enough to be of, what I call, "armpit-level height"), blood, and the odd fart, the experience of being part of such a large mass and the live on-stage performance can be a natural high - without the drugs. You ought to enjoy what you see and hear because lets face it, you probably paid a respectable amount of money to be there.

Talent unfolding

Guitar solos, unbelievable drumming, out of this world vocals, outrageous outfits, pyros, laser lights, moving stages.... I could go on for a while here. Most acts sing and play their hearts out for our, the fans', own pleasure (and money of course). Naturally, clapping  and cheering should not be replaced by clicking.

Despite all the above, not all have the money to buy all the brilliantly filmed yet significantly over-priced DVDs companies produce. I am, personally, not satisfied by just living the experience and from time to time I like to watch my well-organised collection of videos. Who wouldn't want to have a personally-filmed video collection of the late legend RJ Dio? [sigh] And lets face it. Most of the legends we now see live on stage (be it the "last" tour or reunion) will either be to old to rock or dead by the time my biological clock ticks! I want my children to have something from my "era" which signifies the hand over of the "Metal flag" from the godfathers and godmothers of Rock N' Roll to the newbies. 

Weeeeell, you've probably realised that I am one of those annoying people you see at gigs filming their hearts out! Before you start sending hate-mail though, I ought to say; I have been to many gigs in the past where I have not filmed nor photographed a single movement coming from the stage area. I have been part of wild masses (thanks to the Greeks!) where I was knocked to the ground by over-enthusiastic fans, and had my fair share of "wholesome" gig experiences. 

During my 10 or more years of experiences like these, I managed to develop a set of internal rules (i.e. never actually put in a list until now) for practising two interests at the same time, photography/filming and gig-going with minimal intrusion and maximum enjoyment! Here it is:

1. Choose your spot

As I wouldn't want to be the one sworn at for blocking the view and due to my limitations in the height domain I usually choose seating at gigs. Therefore, I can just rest the camera on my knees and film away freely without loosing the feeling in my hands and subsequently skipping the trendiness of what it has recently become the listening to Heavy Metal, meaning "a youth gone wild", with their ridiculous yelling and screaming.  

2. Know what to record

I would not recommend filming the whole gig as it is tiring and you end up loosing the meaning of the whole thing. The key is to film your favourite songs and skip the mainstream ones, unless only those ones are indeed your favourites in which case you are probably part of the "youth gone wild" described above.

3. Delegate where appropriate

A technique that works wonders is to delegate the responsibility of the filming to your partner or a friend who are not particularly into this kind of music but go along with you as a favour! Then you are free to go as wild as you want or can. [Special thanks to my special person are in order here]

4. Do it properly

If you are going to film, do it properly. That means buying a good camera, managing to hide it successfully through the security checks, and recording good quality videos. Nobody wants to watch  a shaky amateur video on YouTube! You will experience the odd Parkinson's-like shake, bums of people walking in front of you etc but at least the picture and sound should be clear. And lets not forget: record whole songs not just intros or choruses!

5. Do it for fun

If you are doing it to just show off to your friends, you are a dumb-ass! [Sorry, but you are] Do it because you enjoy it or if you are emotionally tied to collecting souvenirs of your experiences.

In this era of digital revolution, filming at gigs cannot be avoided or even banished altogether despite various attempts by promoters. If you are like me and you still want to do it, learn to respect the others around you. And don't forget, a gig or a festival is a collective experience, so don't immerse yourself in your filming otherwise you will indeed loose the whole point, be it smelly armpits, beer showers, screams to the point of hear-loss, pushing, grabbing and all the good stuff that come with it! That is  the point anyway.

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Image credits:

http://www.metalsucks.net/

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Night-Thought-Train

During these last few days I have been relatively hate-free. No major annoyance issues, no exhibition of serious antisocial behaviour, no world-destructive ideation. Still, I lay in bed every night thinking of the following:

Metallica: What the hell happened to one of my favourite bands?
They used to be THE thrash gods, now they are more like trash sods! I mean, come on ...... LuLu? What is that? If you need some kind of "high-end" artistic & intellectual thinking to "get it", then it's not for me. Nor for Metal for that matter. Where are the days of Kill 'Em All, Master of Puppets, Ride the Lightning etc? I sigh, turn to my side and try to sleep...

Then...

Madonna: Great strip dancer isn't she? Can barely move without a cane at the moment. When is this old cow going to retire, vaporize, disappear forever? Oh well, the world is not perfect. Hmmm ..... Did I remember to take the beef out of the freezer tonight?

Followed by...

Lemmy: Why isn't the whole world revolved around Lemmy? EVERYBODY has got to love him. Legend! [Dream] Found myself walking backstage of a gig and somehow got the chance to meet the bands/artists playing - did not know who they were at the time. I see Rob Halford, followed by Ozzy coming towards me ready to hug and kiss me. As I stretch my arms to do so, I see Lemmy in the horizon, make a ninja manoeuvre, skip Halford, say to Ozzy "I've got to meet the Legend first!", and run towards Lemmy's open arms.... [end of dream] Aaaah ..... Good times! Waking up to pee.

and....

Download Festival: Wondering why the organisers think they have the perfect line-up this year (or every year for that matter). Black Album in its entirety and 3/4 original members of Black Sabbath playing? Why don't you take a look at other European festival's line-ups for advice? Not that exciting for more than £200!

Leading to....

Black Sabbath: Bill Ward's disappointment towards the band is really sad. Come on, you all have enough money already, give the poor man some! We don't care if you love each other or not, you are old, you are slowly dying, we want to see you live one last time! Get over yourselves and your money obsession. Stop killing music.

Changing to....

Old men charm: Perfect men examples: Clint Eastwood, Bruce Willis, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Sean Penn.... They are great actors too. Why do women prefer boys like Jude Law, Orlando Bloom, the guy with the most annoying face of all (spiderman actor), and other man-like organisms out there? Sometimes I'm wondering if we, women, are a bit insane.

Speaking of...

RJ Dio: Is he really dead? It doesn't feel like it. I find myself searching ticket sites for Dio gigs. None available at the moment ...... Oh well, they are just taking a break!  I roll in bed furiously.

Wishing for...

Playing an instrument: Why can't I find the courage to start from scratch and learn how to play the bass properly? The ability to play more music pieces rather than what I think is the melody of Paranoid and Seven Nation Army sounds like a well-structured dream! On the shelf for now along with being a nature photographer, freelance writer, pancake maker, and cardiac surgeon!

Moving on to....
PS3 gaming madness: Seriously, I did not need another obsession in my life. Discovering gaming (especially games where you team up with Lemmy, get advice from Ozzy, and fight Rob Halford) is not the best idea while doing a Doctorate degree. Still, it's awesome! (that is once I..... learn.... how...... to...... operate..... this...... stupid..... PS3...... controller! Aaarrgh!)

Connecting with...
Discovering new stuff: There is a lot of great music out there that I haven't listened to, lots of amazing places to visit, lots of exciting hobbies I have never tried, lots of food I haven't tasted yet ......... Damn life's short!  Finally, I fall asleep.

Closing up...
Justin Bieber: [Dream] MUST KILL NOW!

I wake up with a grin thinking the world is a better place than it was last night.
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Image credits:
http://www.thewire.co.uk
http://www.rockandmetalnews.com
http://www.latestscreens.com

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