22 February 2012

Where Do You Stand In The "Twattering" World?

by Guest Author Jokka

Express your most insightful thoughts to the world in 140 characters or less. Some of us politics students can only dream of a world where social scientists would be so kind as to be that succinct. That said, in the brief time that Twitter has caught and held my attention I have found it somewhat difficult to condense a thought into 140 characters without havin 2 make sum serious compromises 2 my spellin n grama, a task that is in no way natural to me on account of my time spent in the long-winded world of social science. Why use 140 characters when 140 million will do? Because it's fun I hear you cry! Here's my take on the weird and wonderful people who flock to the phenomenon that is twitter.

Image by Tony Gigov
The Nympho Tweeter 
This tweeter is prolific and not afraid to show it. Often these users will log on through their mobile phones, tweeting their every thought, move and traumatic event. Quantity rather than quality is often the angle with this bunch.
E.g. So now Im @ the station waitin 4 my train. Got a mag & sum crisps from the shop. Yay

The Gluttonous Tweeter
Often a direct descendent of the Nympho Tweeter who perhaps has run out of things to say. This tweeter is seemingly always eating, posting details of their every meal and even posting pictures of everything from their gourmet burger at the local gastro pub to their failed attempts at a chocolate soufflé.
E.g. 4 lunch Im havin a BLT sarnie on brown from Greggs n a red Ribena. Dont no 2 get pasty 2

The Comedy Hash-Tag Tweeter 
This is the kind of Tweeter that I one day may aspire to be. Not prolific enough to be annoying, and certainly witty enough to be worth a read, the Comedy Hash-Tag Tweeter will tweet anecdotes from their day, or interesting thoughts and insert a hash-tag with a comic twist. 
Eg. I just realised I can fit 34 grapes into my mouth at once. #slutty

The Trendy Tweeter 
The tweeter will observe what the current trends are on twitter and then proceed to tell everyone who or what is trending, often to their disbelief or disgust, and include them in the post thus continuing the trend. This particular tweeter baffles me. The activity is not dissimilar to the real life scenario created by stock market speculation, without the often horrific consequences, though still just as systemically inevitable and pointless. 
E.g. OMG *insert z-list celeb here* is trending. Why the hell is #*aforementioned z-list celeb* trending!! Uhggh!!

The Retweeter A.k.a The Distribution Tweeter
Pretty self explanatory... They use Twitter for the sole purpose of spreading or re-tweeting what someone else has already said, seemingly unable to make a similar remark in 140 characters or less. Although, they often re-tweet interesting links when they fancy.
E.g. RT wat Thatotherguy656 said

Image by Tony Gigov
The Spam-Twitter Tweeter
Most of what is on the internet is not actually porn as many believe but spam. In actual fact, spam is a tech term for advertising. The real life equivalent of junk mail. Often falls under two sub-categories:

The Ordinary Spam-Twitter Tweeter
People using twitter to spread phishing scams and advertising club nights, home-made jewellery and just about anything else you can possibly imagine. Ordinary people circulating spam will be reported and possibly banned from Twitter.

- The Celeb Spam-Twitter Tweeter
Celebrities using Twitter to promote their new book, CD, tour, film and anything else you can possibly imagine. Alan Sugar is a frequent offender on my homepage. Celebrities circulating spam will make lots of money and be adored by Twitter. 
E.g. Club Getyourtitsandlegsout.Sat.Cheap drinks.Presentin DJ MydaddyboughtmeamixingdeckandBeatsheadphonesforxmas
E.g. Buy my book u nonces! NOW! *Amazon link*

[BTW - I hope you all enjoyed my play on words dedicated to every ones' favourite surprise meat breakfast treat. It's there for you in good times and nuclear fallout alike].

The Silent Tweeter
Doesn't actually do much tweeting at all but simply uses Twitter to keep tabs on celebrities. Often these are obsessive individuals. May lead to actually physical stalking, which I am obligated to state could lead to prosecution in the United Kingdom.

The Ex-Facebooker Tweeter
People who moved on to using Twitter when they found themselves constantly updating their status and not doing much else.
E.g. #MarkZuckerburgisdissapointedinyou

The Everything-But Tweeter
This tweeter will often be the amalgamation of many kinds of tweeters – Retweeting, spamming, answering to tweets, silently stalking etc... However, regardless of the mix they all have one thing in common. They never tweet any original tweets of their own, but will agree to do 'everything-but', thus keeping their Twitterginity intact – arguably.

The Complicated Tweeter
How would I describe my relationship with Twitter? It's Complicated. I'm a bit of commitment-phobe and I don't want Twitter to get its hopes up. Besides, I might just stay with Facebook for now until google plus' chlamydia clears up.
E.g. I'm really starting to understand this Twitter business #lies

So tell me, what kind of Tweeter are you then?
Jokka is currently unemployed but will tell stories for food. She loves stand up comedy, Chuck Palahniuk, bizarre films and eating. If she could spend the rest of her life doing one thing she'd spend it on a beach with bottle of rum in one hand and a man with low standards in the other while she dictates her articles to a type-writing parrot with a higher IQ than most of the cast of Glee. She is simultaneously looking forward to and dreading her stand up début next month. You can follow her thoughts by visiting her blog at http://thelaughingarmadillo.blogspot.com/
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