Review of Download Festival 2012

A review of the happenings at Download Festival 2012, Donington Park, UK

ANTHRAX

Our day started with Anthrax playing a half hour show. Since it was the ¼ of the Big 4 for which I had the lesser knowledge about and also the first time I was seeing them live, I was really focused and very open to liking them. I needn’t be though. They were simply powerful. Within those 30 minutes they had us jumping up and down, commanded the crowd to form a well-rounded mosh pit, and entertained us all the way. I was especially happy when I finally heard “Indians” which was stuck in my mind for 2 months. Belladonna did his usual with security guards rushing to “save” a female colleague from his hands when he tried to shake her to the song rhythm! They also forcefully kept him from crowd surfing. Download had officially kicked off for me. I give them a 9/10 purely because it was a 30 min appearance.

BLACK LABEL SOCIETY

This was the only band I somehow wanted to see but didn't know much about them. I wasn’t expecting to be amazed nor was I particularly looking forward to see them- I was curious really. But they were good. Not being familiar with their work didn’t help much. I wasn't enthused but one thing really surprised me: how huge and what a great guitarist Zakk Wylde is. I also learned that his custom-made guitar weighs like a ton and only he can lift it! No wonders there. Unfortunately though, they didn’t make much impact on me and I was left being none the wiser about them. 6/10

LAMB OF GOD

Next, on the stage came these guys. Now, I have seen them live one more time when they opened for Heaven & Hell a few years ago. I was disappointed back then and I was disappointed this time too. The reason is simple; I just don’t fancy not being able to understand the song lyrics. Now I’m not saying they should attend a spelling bee class but seriously screaming to the crowd “sing it” and not actually singing it themselves is not much help especially to new fans! To be fair though I was biased towards not enjoying them but here is the thing. They were actually quite good, musically speaking. Their live music was arousing and many times I found myself tapping my leg and moving to the rhythm. On a different note, I seriously need to get Blythe’s vocal instructor’s number! 6.5/10

MEGADETH

One of the word composites of the above was true: DETH. I did not experience MEGA in any way. Ok, perhaps Mustaine’s hair! But honestly, I was so excited that I was going to see the Megadeth live that I think I raised my expectations way too high. For starters, I think they were brain-dead during this live. They were barely moving or even entertaining in any way. At some point we thought maybe Mustaine had to leave early for the church mass? Or perhaps his pony was missing him much? The only thing that entertained us briefly was Vic Rattlehead wandering through the stage. Anyway, I was left unimpressed and disappointed in so many ways. On the other hand, again musically speaking, I liked them a lot. I enjoyed the classics like “Peace Sells” and “Symphony of Destruction” and all in all I am glad I saw them live. Not so glad about the white shirt though. So not metal! 5/10 

FIREWIND

This was the point where grunge took over the main stage (seriously Soundgarden?) and I moved on to the smaller stages to see some other favourites. I managed to watch Firewind for a while and I can tell without a doubt that they sound even better live. Gus G did his thing as always with those magic fingers of his. On the other hand, Apollo’s vocals were astonishing. Although appearing in one of the smallest stages, it was packed and people were very enthusiastic about them. The sound was not fair to the bands but the good ones got noticed anyway. Firewind make the Greek metal scene proud for sure. 7.5/10

GHOST

I insisted on standing still for 40 minutes waiting for these guys to show up.  I don’t know what it is about Ghost, but I was hooked when I first heard them by accident on YouTube. What is their deal? What is their music about? What are they? Appearing on stage dressed up like Ku Klux Klan members with their frontman, Papa Emeritus, dressed like a catholic priest with a skull where his face should be and holding a censer blessing the crowd did not solve any of my questions. Especially when their lyrics are filled with satanic elements! Whatever they represent be it humour, irony, or simply fun, their performance was great. I mean, the vocals were magnificent. I thought I was carried by angels (or maybe demons?) into the skies on a soft cloud ! The keyboards compliment their songs so well; I don’t think I have heard anything like this before. But then again I am not into Doom that much (apparently this is their categorisation). I loved them and can’t wait to hear their second album. 8.5/10

BLACK SABBATH

And on to the legends! By this time I was so exhausted that I couldn’t wait to go to sleep. I even wondered whether seeing THE Black Sabbath live is worth all this trouble. I have already seen them once with Dio so I thought to myself: “Is Ozzy really going to hit the notes and amaze me as much as Dio did? Is Tony going to be performing at his best? Is it really Black Sabbath I am seeing without Bill?” Then the first chord struck me. They started with “Black Sabbath” which couldn’t have worked better for the explosion that was about to follow. I then forgot all about my tiredness, all the urine, shit, food waste, or anything else I might have stepped or sat on without realising, and l lended my soul to the godfathers. It was phenomenal. For many reasons. Ozzy did hit the notes despite my otherwise expectations. He ran on the stage like a 4-year old, clapped his hands, and said fuck a lot. Only he can sing metal and successfully have the crowd move rhythmically left/right instead of forming a mosh pit! And only he can get angry when he “doesn't see our fucking hands in the air” anymore. Tony was looking like the true iron man and his guitar virtuosity was unaffected. This guy is so stoic I was really surprised when the camera caught him looking at the crowd and smiling at various times during the gig. Geezer shined again as the master of the bass and he did look happy to be sharing the stage with all of them. Clufetos was hitting the drums so hard I’m sure I felt the pain too. He was unbelievable. With 150,000 people and 300,000 set of eyes all watching them I think they felt what I did; that they belong together on a stage. Not Ozzy alone, not as Heaven & Hell, but as Black Sabbath. They had great chemistry and I don’t care where it came from be it money or respect for one another. And despite the fact that only ¾ where performing, based on that performance alone, I can be honest when I say I saw Black Sabbath. 10/10

THINGS I LEARNED/REALISED AT DOWNLOAD FESTIVAL 2012:

1. Anthrax is the best out of the 3 of the “Big 4” thrash metal bands I saw live.
2. Zakk Wylde is huge and looks like a good guy to have drinks with at a strip club filled with Hell's Angels.
3. Lamb of God have great music but the sound of Blythe’s screaming and growling voice makes me yawn repeatedly.
4. Mustaine does not look good in a white shirt and his hair has more volume than his voice.
5. Firewind sound even better live and I think I am in love with Gus G.
6. Ghost is perhaps the next big thing in metal; even Anselmo said so.
7. I pity the fool that will not get the chance to experience Black Sabbath live in front of a 150,000 crowd.

Limited videos can be found here.

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Precious Rocks & Rare Heavy Metals: Chapter 3

The third of a series of fun articles aiming to explore the impact that Rock and Heavy Metal artists/bands had on the world and the impact the world had on them. This series will cover a number of artists so all favourites are presented. Read the first and second chapters here and here.

Please note: There is no specific reason (e.g. greatness, preference etc) for the order bands are presented!

ALICE COOPER

There is no question that Alice Cooper himself is well respected and considered as a great example of a rock star. He is pretty much the leader of Shock Rock as people call it. His stage presence and theatrics had people talking for generations. But behind that creepy façade of his you may find a “born-again Christian”, a humanitarian, and an esteemed friend. He has become very talkative about his religious beliefs and has set up his own non-profit organisation called “Solid Rock” aiming to help teenagers in many aspects of their lives. Alice Cooper has recently received an honorary doctorate too and gave a strange speech. Full story here. 

Now, out of respect to his outstanding musical contribution and long career and due my own admiration of him as a human being and artist I will have to pass and try not judge Mr. Cooper about his recent religious enthusiasm. He is 64 after all and closer to the “light”. But there are some signs of (possible) dementia and I'm raising a red flag here. I’m no doctor but any sort of admiration towards the thing called Lady Gaga must surely mean that some neurological deficiency is present. He IS 64 after all. Full story and proof I’m not crazy here. On a lighter note, you can catch Alice in the new movie by Tim Burton alongside Johnny Depp. Now that I wanna see! 

RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE

Rage Against The Machine (RATM) are mostly known for their political and social activism. Their music and lyrics represent this and it’s no wonder considering that guitarist Tom Morello is a social studies graduate from Harvard University. There is no protest or march that Morello and de La Rocha are not part of. There is an interesting paper on radical criminology with an extensive analysis of RATM lyrics which I found very interesting (link here). Some less known “services” to the world include Morello’s stripper career! Full story here. 

If I was forced to listen to Nu Metal I would choose to only listen to RATM. The fact is I do and I like it. The combination of funk, metal, and a bit of rapping with that guitar sound and those lyrics is just remarkable. I cannot imagine a more cathartic and aggressive song than "Killing in the Name". Ok, maybe "Angel of Death" by Slayer but not for soul-catharsis reasons! Anyway, my point is, being an idealist myself, I find it comforting that there are people out there who (still) believe in ideas like civil rights, equality, world peace, etc etc. And believe it or not a political science graduate-cum-vegetarian stripper-cum-protest musician is part of this bunch. But the best part is that I don’t have to do a thing, just watch them from my couch and smile devilishly! Here is a fun video of a school marching band “covering” Killing in the Name. Enjoy!

SLAYER

 

Slayer is undoubtedly the most controversial of the “Big 4” in terms of lyrics, music, and pretty much everything else. Ideas like Nazism, white supremacy, Satanism, terrorism, war, murder, and all other awful-sounding words in the English dictionary can be found in the repertoire of the accusations towards this band. Kerry King’s feisty personality and uncounted feuds don’t help much either. Still, the band managed to leave its stamp in the Metal history as one of the most important bands and probably the most consistent Thrash Metal band of all. Recently, they joined the Heavy Metal marketing race when they named a wine after the hymn “Reign in Blood”. Full story here. It is only available in Sweden (where else?) and at the ridiculous price of €80! You may purchase here. The description for this wine is very impressive and effortful: 

"The wine, a Cabernet Sauvignon from California, is as uncomprimising [sic] and tough as the band. After a couple of Seasons in the Abyss, the wine has an undisputed attitude and a soft nose of dark berry fruits with oak and spicy nuances. Good mouth feel with hints of fresh fruit and juicy, smooth tannins. Well structured and rounded with subtle notes of oak, showing true Divine Intervention. Best company for the wine comes as no surprise, enjoy it while headbanging, riffing or with food, friends and great music. Reign in Wine!"

Honestly, Slayer was not one of the bands I listened to when I first got into Heavy Metal. But I was meant to and I soon realised there is not another band that “screams” more Metal than this one. I mean come on, even their diseases sound Metal: necrotizing fasciitis, a flesh-eating disease that Hanneman contracted from a spider bite! What’s more Metal than that? Oh, perhaps a Jagermeister add featuring Kerry King? Watch it here. I just love this guy's look!

Watch this space for the next chapter of this series.

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Image credits:

http://www.radiometal.com 

http://www.ratm.com/ 

http://www.fasterlouder.com.au

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In Quest of a Cure to Pop Music Attraction

For a long time now, I've been torturing myself trying to figure out why people listen to and most importantly like pop music. You will now ask “Why bother?” and I will respond “Because it bothers me and the social scientist in me”! Although the selfish side of me wants to just ignore pop music and the people who choose it, it is almost impossible. I, too, have a number of friends of questionable intelligence (sorry!) that choose to listen to a genre that not only bothers me but also induces some feelings I don’t really like and that I don’t generally associate with my character (e.g. rage). Still, I have a small number of close friends who, although they would normally rank high on a questionable intelligence quotient scale and belong to an older age group, they insist on listening to pop music.

Through the years I tried to closely examine and understand the reasons behind such important music choices by the people around me. I present to you here, what I have come up with until now, with a conscious try to be as objective as I can possibly be and not bring in my Heavy Metal preference and background.

Instant gratification
It is widely accepted even by the music industry “experts” that pop music aims at making people happy. Now the term happy here does not necessarily indicate genuine happiness. Instead, it entails a momentary or instant experience of positive feelings. I would constantly ask people “why do you feel happy listening to a talentless humanoid singing about saturated subjects that other music genres present more gracefully?” No response [and no surprise there]. I soon realised, by further examining their characters, that these people are experiencing a regression to their childhood. It is a fact that most followers of popular music are youngsters, usually 16 years or younger. This, although not encouraging, is no surprise. At that age, people don’t want to have to think about the music they listen to, they just want to have fun. Hence, older listeners of pop music are just avoiding the real world and focusing on the high feelings a pointless music composition with light lyrics induces.

Lack of interest in deeper issues
Let’s face it, pop music is no rocket science! Observations of people who listen to pop music led me to believe that they like their lives to be carefree, simple, and only being able to handle the occasional heartbreak. By examining the lyrics and musical compositions of a number of songs (as many as my poor ears could handle at the time) I came to the conclusion that pop music makes things simple and straightforward for the listener. Although most music genres have a common selection of subject matters, the lyrics in pop music make it easy for even a person in a vegetate state to grasp their “meaning”. While other genres would use intelligent words or even intelligent combination of simple words the pop genre is full of overused and cliché lyrics. E.g. your stupid boyfriend cheated on you with your best –male – friend; you are therefore heartbroken; you can do the same to get revenge; but you choose to drink your sorrows away; hence, you become stronger [because what doesn't kill you make you stronger, right?]. No wonder people feel happy when listening to pop songs. While other people try to solve riddles and understand hidden messages, the pop fan can sing along without even evoking any conscious effort or brain activity for that matter.


Lack of interest in musicianship
The previous point leads to this observation. When people don’t care about the quality of the linguistic input to their ears, they wouldn’t give a rat’s ass about the sound input either. The pop fan wouldn’t normally care about the musical technique or even the talent behind the person playing an instrument. As the matter of fact they don’t even have to since most pop music is created on computers using a combination of stolen catchy tunes from previous hits. And why would they care anyway, right? Like most of us, it’s not like they have to be tested on their ability to distinguish between a C minor and a D major [I don’t know I’m just guessing here!]. Finally, who even realises that most pop and nearly all hit songs use the same four chords. These guys do and they present a pretty solid case! Unsurprisingly, some rock and reggae anthems are condemned too but in these you can notice a balance in artistic quality between lyrics and music.

Fancy exteriors
Last but not least, I could not help but notice an attraction to nice façades by my pop friends. Arguably, we all prefer nice-looking people who are kind to our eyes. But when it comes to what your ears can handle as opposed to what your eyes wish for, most people would risk some eye soreness instead of dangerous sounds that may potentially blow up their eardrums. Not the pop fans though. My observational experience showed me that people listening to pop consider looks as an important factor. Now, I would regularly argue against that by citing lady gaga as an example and how a creepy human-like....... thing (?) like that could be so loveable to millions of (obviously) blind people. But then I would immediately withdraw my argument realising that in this case one may notice the overcompensation in what they serve to the listeners as character and showmanship.

These are my initial vicarious observations about the psychosynthesis of the pop fan. I’m still not satisfied by these observations serving as explanations as to why people insist on supporting this genre and will continue my quest towards finding out the even deeper issues surrounding such questionable yet idiotic choices.
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Image Credits:

http://memegenerator.net/

http://graphjam.memebase.com

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Precious Rocks & Rare Heavy Metals: Chapter 2

The second of a series of fun articles aiming to explore the impact that Rock and Heavy Metal artists/bands had on the world and the impact the world had on them. This series will cover a number of artists so all favourites are presented. Read the first chapter here . 

Please note: There is no specific reason (e.g. greatness, preference etc) for the order bands are presented!

JUDAS PRIEST

The leading band of the New Wave of British Heavy Metal (NWBHM) music, with its frontman Rob Halford, a.k.a. the Metal God, introducing homosexuality to the once thought of as the “macho” music genre. Halford also defined the whole Heavy Metal image with the introduction of leather, denim, studs, and everything S & M. Priest’s history though has been stigmatised in the late 80s, with court battles where they had to defend their music. The Vance Vs Judas Priest trial made subliminal persuasion a trend in that era. One good thing came out of it though; society realised how stupid people can be when it comes to interpreting simple phenomena.

It’s sad that what comes to mind for many when they hear Judas Priest is the crazy court battles over subliminal messages. The act of playing a vinyl backwards showed that people had too much free time in their hands and nothing better to do. Parents should have been more focused on the rising pandemic of childhood obesity considering all the cleverly chosen logo colours by the McDonald’s empire and the more obvious, not that subliminal, increasing number of fat children! An informative article can be found here. 

MOTÖRHEAD

I don’t think I’m wrong when I say that Lemmy is Motörhead and the most versatile thing out there for that matter. So low profile as being able to walk amongst mortals undisturbed, yet so high volume as to make even the strongest eardrum “kneel” before his bass; this man needs no introduction. In the past he was invited to the Welsh Assembly by the conservative party of Wales to give his opinion on drugs and more specifically heroin. To everybody’s surprise he argued for the legalization of the drug he, himself, hates so much presenting some good arguments. Full story here.

In a world where all Rock stars sold their souls at some point, Lemmy still remains the only one true to himself and his fans. Sure he’s been high, wrong, broke, with hundreds of women, but he rose from the hippies, defined Heavy Metal, admired by Glam Metal, inspired Punk Rock, re-established Heavy Metal, and still surviving Nu Metal. Lemmy is immortal. If you haven’t done so, I highly recommend reading his book and watching his documentary.

METALLICA

The leaders of the thrash metal movement, this band has produced more controversy than good records in the past few decades. A favourite to pretty much everybody, from your average hardcore heavy metal fan to your, below standards, typical pop music lamb. Still, there is more to their music that we know about. Apparently, some songs by Metallica have the same effect on monkeys as the St. Anger album has on fans, i.e. general apathy! In an experimental study by psychologist Charles Snowdon (University of Wisconsin) and cellist David Teie (National Symphony Orchestra), the behaviour of 7 pairs of tamarin monkeys was compared after two listening conditions:

1. Listening to two ballads and two more aggressive songs, one of these the "Of Wolf and Man," by Metallica. 
2. Listening to two calming ballad-type songs and two more aggressive heavy metal-like ones but this time incorporating the pitches and sounds of the monkeys and matching them to their tempo (x8). 

It seems these mokeys are indifferent to the No 1 condition, i.e. human music. But condition No 2 did induce some strong emotions! You may read the full article here.

Now my purpose is not to ridicule Metallica (again). As most of us I am a big fan and we have a saying in the Cypriot dialect, i.e. “Απ’αγαπά παιδεύκει” which roughly translates to “he who loves, tortures” (let me know if there is anything equivalent in English!). So therefore my point is: yes the St. Anger album left me with that cow-like expression which really translates to the more pedestrian “What the fuck?”. I will not elaborate on the feelings of mass-destruction caused by listening half a song from LuLu! Oh, and did I mention they want to put their music in cereal boxes now? [link] Aaaaaanyway, if you wish to read the lay-person summary of the above study, it can be found here.

Watch this space for the next chapter of this series.

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Image Credits:

http://www.last.fm

http://www.fanpop.com/

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Precious Rocks & Rare Heavy Metals: Chapter 1

The first of a series of fun articles aiming to explore the impact that Rock and Heavy Metal artists/bands had on the world and the impact the world had on them. This series will cover a number of artists so all favourites will be presented.

Please note: There is no specific reason (e.g. greatness, preference etc) for the order bands are presented!

AC/DC 

The only band refusing to put their songs to be sold separately on iTunes and yet they have the lowest rates of music piracy. Coincidence? Don’t think so; traditional values is what defined AC/DC in the first place. But not only do they attract millions of fans, the Rock N’ Roll giants have a strange effect on the great white shark as well. According to a tour operator that organises cruises in Australia, after many attempts, he managed to find the secret in attracting the sharks close to the ship. These remarkable mammals are specifically fond of songs like “You shook me all night long” and “If you want blood”. Experts attribute this phenomenon to the sensitivity of the specific species to low sound frequencies, a characteristic of most of AC/DC’s music!

It’s not that this conclusion derived from rigorous research, yet no one can deny AC/DC’s awesomeness, even the animal kingdom. I wonder how the great white would react to Lady Gaga but all I know is that I wouldn’t want to be there when it happens...
Full shark story here.

IRON MAIDEN

Probably the band responsible for not so much as incorporating but establishing the intelligence factor in Heavy Metal. It’s frontman, Dr. Bruce Dickinson a.k.a. “The Air Raid Siren”, is the definition of a renaissance person. His talents range from piloting, fencing, writing, broadcasting, script-writing, acting, marketing, and some more which I am sure he doesn’t care sharing. He has a history degree from Queen Mary, University of London (for those that don’t know already, one of the best in the UK and worldwide) and has recently been awarded an honorary doctorate of music from the same University. The University’s announcement can be found here.

In an ingorant society like ours where people consider Heavy Metal as the caveman’s music, bands like Iron Maiden step in to show us otherwise. It is a fact that lyrics as much as music in Heavy Metal do require a bit of homework if bands are to be taken seriously by fans. In addition, the once-thought uncultured genre, is now followed by more intelligent fans than any other. Although some good research still needs to be done on this subject here is an interesting outline of a study from Warwick University which found that gifted students prefer Heavy Metal.

BLACK SABBATH

Widely famous, not just for being the godfathers of Heavy Metal but for other oddities as well. We all know about their obsession with the occult and have heard a thing or two of Ozzy’s mischief. But the most distinctive characteristic that defined what Black Sabbath came to be during the past decades is Iommi’s re-invention of the “Devil’s chord” or the tritone. The tritone was also evident in Wagner’s compositions and represented evil (i.e. devil, sex, and lust), for which it was banned during the Middle Ages. When asked how he came up with it, Tony said that it simply felt right.

Imagine how differently Heavy Metal would have evolved if Iommi hadn’t “discovered” the specific musical interval. For those of you that do know a bit more about music here is a piece on how to play like Tony. I’d like to see you try!

AEROSMITH

Admittedly, the most remarkable thing about Aerosmith is Steven Tyler’s wide vocal range and technique. Steven featured in National Geographic’s documentary “The Incredible Human Machine”, where you can literally see his vocal chords vibrating at up to 170 times per second during his famous scream falsetto on “Dream On” whilst performing live! Some say he’s falling into the category of a low tenor. You can catch the clip from the documentary here.

There are very few vocalists that have amazing vocal abilities and it’s no surprise that many come from the Rock and Heavy Metal genre. I came across this interesting blog post where a voice teacher with no prior knowledge of them, analyses the vocals of 5 great Heavy Metal singers, amongst them, the great Rob Halford. Although the title is a bit patronising for its purpose, it is still worth a read. Read it here.   


Watch this space for the next chapter of this series.
Chapter 2 can now be found here.

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Image Credits:

http://morpheusefx.com

http://www.ironmaiden.com

http://www.metalhammer.gr
http://www.seacoastonline.com

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Review of Rammstein (Made in Germany 1995-2011 Tour 2012)

Review of Rammstein (Made in Germany 1995-2011 Tour 2012, The Capital FM Arena, Nottingham, UK):

Venue: Small arena, good acoustics, and very good seating 9/10

Quality: What is there to say, Rammstein are pure quality 10/10

Passion: The show itself shows how much these guys love what they do 10/10

Running Time: Good 2 hours set for the show offered 9.5/10

Set List: All one would expect were played (Mein Teil, Du Hast, Amerika, Ich Will, Engel etc) 10/10

Crowd: Good but not good enough, I guess everyone was stunned by the show 7.5/10

Show: Unbelievable! I have never seen so much pyro, stage equipment, and leather pants in a single gig before. Show included: moving stage, fire, smaller centre stage, fire cauldron, fire, sparks shower, fire, bow, fire, moving penis, fire, wings, fire, wearable penis, fire, propellers, fire, boat, and did I mention fire? 100/10

Overall Experience: Everybody needs to experience at least one Rammstein show in their lives. As many have said before, it is a great value for money and at the end we were left wondering if they actually make money out of their gigs considering ticket prices. Oh well, the important thing is "Zee Krazy Germans" did it again! 10/10

Videos can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLF0B5807D75D72CB5&feature=view_all
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Where Do You Stand In The "Twattering" World?

by Guest Author Jokka

Express your most insightful thoughts to the world in 140 characters or less. Some of us politics students can only dream of a world where social scientists would be so kind as to be that succinct. That said, in the brief time that Twitter has caught and held my attention I have found it somewhat difficult to condense a thought into 140 characters without havin 2 make sum serious compromises 2 my spellin n grama, a task that is in no way natural to me on account of my time spent in the long-winded world of social science. Why use 140 characters when 140 million will do? Because it's fun I hear you cry! Here's my take on the weird and wonderful people who flock to the phenomenon that is twitter.

Image by Tony Gigov

The Nympho Tweeter 

This tweeter is prolific and not afraid to show it. Often these users will log on through their mobile phones, tweeting their every thought, move and traumatic event. Quantity rather than quality is often the angle with this bunch.

E.g. So now Im @ the station waitin 4 my train. Got a mag & sum crisps from the shop. Yay

The Gluttonous Tweeter

Often a direct descendent of the Nympho Tweeter who perhaps has run out of things to say. This tweeter is seemingly always eating, posting details of their every meal and even posting pictures of everything from their gourmet burger at the local gastro pub to their failed attempts at a chocolate soufflé.

E.g. 4 lunch Im havin a BLT sarnie on brown from Greggs n a red Ribena. Dont no 2 get pasty 2

The Comedy Hash-Tag Tweeter 

This is the kind of Tweeter that I one day may aspire to be. Not prolific enough to be annoying, and certainly witty enough to be worth a read, the Comedy Hash-Tag Tweeter will tweet anecdotes from their day, or interesting thoughts and insert a hash-tag with a comic twist. 

Eg. I just realised I can fit 34 grapes into my mouth at once. #slutty

The Trendy Tweeter 

The tweeter will observe what the current trends are on twitter and then proceed to tell everyone who or what is trending, often to their disbelief or disgust, and include them in the post thus continuing the trend. This particular tweeter baffles me. The activity is not dissimilar to the real life scenario created by stock market speculation, without the often horrific consequences, though still just as systemically inevitable and pointless. 

E.g. OMG *insert z-list celeb here* is trending. Why the hell is #*aforementioned z-list celeb* trending!! Uhggh!!

The Retweeter A.k.a The Distribution Tweeter

Pretty self explanatory... They use Twitter for the sole purpose of spreading or re-tweeting what someone else has already said, seemingly unable to make a similar remark in 140 characters or less. Although, they often re-tweet interesting links when they fancy.

E.g. RT wat Thatotherguy656 said

Image by Tony Gigov

The Spam-Twitter Tweeter

Most of what is on the internet is not actually porn as many believe but spam. In actual fact, spam is a tech term for advertising. The real life equivalent of junk mail. Often falls under two sub-categories:

- The Ordinary Spam-Twitter Tweeter

People using twitter to spread phishing scams and advertising club nights, home-made jewellery and just about anything else you can possibly imagine. Ordinary people circulating spam will be reported and possibly banned from Twitter.

- The Celeb Spam-Twitter Tweeter

Celebrities using Twitter to promote their new book, CD, tour, film and anything else you can possibly imagine. Alan Sugar is a frequent offender on my homepage. Celebrities circulating spam will make lots of money and be adored by Twitter. 

E.g. Club Getyourtitsandlegsout.Sat.Cheap drinks.Presentin DJ MydaddyboughtmeamixingdeckandBeatsheadphonesforxmas

E.g. Buy my book u nonces! NOW! *Amazon link*

[BTW - I hope you all enjoyed my play on words dedicated to every ones' favourite surprise meat breakfast treat. It's there for you in good times and nuclear fallout alike].

The Silent Tweeter

Doesn't actually do much tweeting at all but simply uses Twitter to keep tabs on celebrities. Often these are obsessive individuals. May lead to actually physical stalking, which I am obligated to state could lead to prosecution in the United Kingdom.

The Ex-Facebooker Tweeter

People who moved on to using Twitter when they found themselves constantly updating their status and not doing much else.

E.g. #MarkZuckerburgisdissapointedinyou

The Everything-But Tweeter

This tweeter will often be the amalgamation of many kinds of tweeters – Retweeting, spamming, answering to tweets, silently stalking etc... However, regardless of the mix they all have one thing in common. They never tweet any original tweets of their own, but will agree to do 'everything-but', thus keeping their Twitterginity intact – arguably.

The Complicated Tweeter

How would I describe my relationship with Twitter? It's Complicated. I'm a bit of commitment-phobe and I don't want Twitter to get its hopes up. Besides, I might just stay with Facebook for now until google plus' chlamydia clears up.

E.g. I'm really starting to understand this Twitter business #lies

So tell me, what kind of Tweeter are you then?

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Jokka is currently unemployed but will tell stories for food. She loves stand up comedy, Chuck Palahniuk, bizarre films and eating. If she could spend the rest of her life doing one thing she'd spend it on a beach with bottle of rum in one hand and a man with low standards in the other while she dictates her articles to a type-writing parrot with a higher IQ than most of the cast of Glee. She is simultaneously looking forward to and dreading her stand up début next month. You can follow her thoughts by visiting her blog at http://thelaughingarmadillo.blogspot.com/

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Image Credits:

Tony Gigov on http://www.pink-sheep.com

http://www.toondoo.com

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Gigs, Cameras, and Weird Smells

Filming at gigs. I know, I know... Annoying, right? And probably illegal!

Some will argue that taking pictures and video-recording at gigs and festivals are the definition of "uncoolness".

Hey asshole you are blocking my view

You are standing there in the crowd, at a hotspot you guarded for two hours in advance, waiting for the curtain to fall. Everybody around you becomes restless as the allowed 15 minute window of opportunity for bands to show up before everybody starts to swear (obviously not applicable to Guns N' Roses), is coming to an end. Then it happens. Just seconds before the opening drum beat, the clicking noises and the blinding flashes, torture to your senses. Hands are in the air in various arrangements, some forming fists, the sign of the horns, and others clicking away relentlessly. Point is, you cannot see beyond hands holding cameras, so you may as well count on your sense of hearing (whatever's left from it!).

The a-live experience

Between the smell of sweat (especially if good old nature and genetics have not been kind to you and you are lucky enough to be of, what I call, "armpit-level height"), blood, and the odd fart, the experience of being part of such a large mass and the live on-stage performance can be a natural high - without the drugs. You ought to enjoy what you see and hear because lets face it, you probably paid a respectable amount of money to be there.

Talent unfolding

Guitar solos, unbelievable drumming, out of this world vocals, outrageous outfits, pyros, laser lights, moving stages.... I could go on for a while here. Most acts sing and play their hearts out for our, the fans', own pleasure (and money of course). Naturally, clapping  and cheering should not be replaced by clicking.

Despite all the above, not all have the money to buy all the brilliantly filmed yet significantly over-priced DVDs companies produce. I am, personally, not satisfied by just living the experience and from time to time I like to watch my well-organised collection of videos. Who wouldn't want to have a personally-filmed video collection of the late legend RJ Dio? [sigh] And lets face it. Most of the legends we now see live on stage (be it the "last" tour or reunion) will either be to old to rock or dead by the time my biological clock ticks! I want my children to have something from my "era" which signifies the hand over of the "Metal flag" from the godfathers and godmothers of Rock N' Roll to the newbies. 

Weeeeell, you've probably realised that I am one of those annoying people you see at gigs filming their hearts out! Before you start sending hate-mail though, I ought to say; I have been to many gigs in the past where I have not filmed nor photographed a single movement coming from the stage area. I have been part of wild masses (thanks to the Greeks!) where I was knocked to the ground by over-enthusiastic fans, and had my fair share of "wholesome" gig experiences. 

During my 10 or more years of experiences like these, I managed to develop a set of internal rules (i.e. never actually put in a list until now) for practising two interests at the same time, photography/filming and gig-going with minimal intrusion and maximum enjoyment! Here it is:

1. Choose your spot

As I wouldn't want to be the one sworn at for blocking the view and due to my limitations in the height domain I usually choose seating at gigs. Therefore, I can just rest the camera on my knees and film away freely without loosing the feeling in my hands and subsequently skipping the trendiness of what it has recently become the listening to Heavy Metal, meaning "a youth gone wild", with their ridiculous yelling and screaming.  

2. Know what to record

I would not recommend filming the whole gig as it is tiring and you end up loosing the meaning of the whole thing. The key is to film your favourite songs and skip the mainstream ones, unless only those ones are indeed your favourites in which case you are probably part of the "youth gone wild" described above.

3. Delegate where appropriate

A technique that works wonders is to delegate the responsibility of the filming to your partner or a friend who are not particularly into this kind of music but go along with you as a favour! Then you are free to go as wild as you want or can. [Special thanks to my special person are in order here]

4. Do it properly

If you are going to film, do it properly. That means buying a good camera, managing to hide it successfully through the security checks, and recording good quality videos. Nobody wants to watch  a shaky amateur video on YouTube! You will experience the odd Parkinson's-like shake, bums of people walking in front of you etc but at least the picture and sound should be clear. And lets not forget: record whole songs not just intros or choruses!

5. Do it for fun

If you are doing it to just show off to your friends, you are a dumb-ass! [Sorry, but you are] Do it because you enjoy it or if you are emotionally tied to collecting souvenirs of your experiences.

In this era of digital revolution, filming at gigs cannot be avoided or even banished altogether despite various attempts by promoters. If you are like me and you still want to do it, learn to respect the others around you. And don't forget, a gig or a festival is a collective experience, so don't immerse yourself in your filming otherwise you will indeed loose the whole point, be it smelly armpits, beer showers, screams to the point of hear-loss, pushing, grabbing and all the good stuff that come with it! That is  the point anyway.

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Image credits:

http://www.metalsucks.net/

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Night-Thought-Train

During these last few days I have been relatively hate-free. No major annoyance issues, no exhibition of serious antisocial behaviour, no world-destructive ideation. Still, I lay in bed every night thinking of the following:

Metallica: What the hell happened to one of my favourite bands?
They used to be THE thrash gods, now they are more like trash sods! I mean, come on ...... LuLu? What is that? If you need some kind of "high-end" artistic & intellectual thinking to "get it", then it's not for me. Nor for Metal for that matter. Where are the days of Kill 'Em All, Master of Puppets, Ride the Lightning etc? I sigh, turn to my side and try to sleep...

Then...

Madonna: Great strip dancer isn't she? Can barely move without a cane at the moment. When is this old cow going to retire, vaporize, disappear forever? Oh well, the world is not perfect. Hmmm ..... Did I remember to take the beef out of the freezer tonight?

Followed by...

Lemmy: Why isn't the whole world revolved around Lemmy? EVERYBODY has got to love him. Legend! [Dream] Found myself walking backstage of a gig and somehow got the chance to meet the bands/artists playing - did not know who they were at the time. I see Rob Halford, followed by Ozzy coming towards me ready to hug and kiss me. As I stretch my arms to do so, I see Lemmy in the horizon, make a ninja manoeuvre, skip Halford, say to Ozzy "I've got to meet the Legend first!", and run towards Lemmy's open arms.... [end of dream] Aaaah ..... Good times! Waking up to pee.

and....

Download Festival: Wondering why the organisers think they have the perfect line-up this year (or every year for that matter). Black Album in its entirety and 3/4 original members of Black Sabbath playing? Why don't you take a look at other European festival's line-ups for advice? Not that exciting for more than £200!

Leading to....

Black Sabbath: Bill Ward's disappointment towards the band is really sad. Come on, you all have enough money already, give the poor man some! We don't care if you love each other or not, you are old, you are slowly dying, we want to see you live one last time! Get over yourselves and your money obsession. Stop killing music.

Changing to....

Old men charm: Perfect men examples: Clint Eastwood, Bruce Willis, Robert De Niro, Al Pacino, Sean Penn.... They are great actors too. Why do women prefer boys like Jude Law, Orlando Bloom, the guy with the most annoying face of all (spiderman actor), and other man-like organisms out there? Sometimes I'm wondering if we, women, are a bit insane.

Speaking of...

RJ Dio: Is he really dead? It doesn't feel like it. I find myself searching ticket sites for Dio gigs. None available at the moment ...... Oh well, they are just taking a break!  I roll in bed furiously.

Wishing for...

Playing an instrument: Why can't I find the courage to start from scratch and learn how to play the bass properly? The ability to play more music pieces rather than what I think is the melody of Paranoid and Seven Nation Army sounds like a well-structured dream! On the shelf for now along with being a nature photographer, freelance writer, pancake maker, and cardiac surgeon!

Moving on to....
PS3 gaming madness: Seriously, I did not need another obsession in my life. Discovering gaming (especially games where you team up with Lemmy, get advice from Ozzy, and fight Rob Halford) is not the best idea while doing a Doctorate degree. Still, it's awesome! (that is once I..... learn.... how...... to...... operate..... this...... stupid..... PS3...... controller! Aaarrgh!)

Connecting with...
Discovering new stuff: There is a lot of great music out there that I haven't listened to, lots of amazing places to visit, lots of exciting hobbies I have never tried, lots of food I haven't tasted yet ......... Damn life's short!  Finally, I fall asleep.

Closing up...
Justin Bieber: [Dream] MUST KILL NOW!

I wake up with a grin thinking the world is a better place than it was last night.
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Image credits:
http://www.thewire.co.uk
http://www.rockandmetalnews.com
http://www.latestscreens.com

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Black N' White World

WARNING: This post is not intended for people who get easily offended.

As you may have noticed by now, I get annoyed with many things in life but the one thing that works every time is human stupidity. Stupidity does not capture the full essence of what I mean here but feel free to substitute with your own preferences. Under stupidity I usually include the following amongst other:

•          Lack of self-awareness
•          Selective narrow-mindedness
•          Lack of intellectual properties/processes
•          Herd-like approaches to opinion
•          Lack of knowledge
•          Ignorance by choice
•          Self-righteousness
•          Hypocrisy

One such manifestation of human stupidity (who I have the good luck of not knowing personally) managed to make my blood boil and the veins in my forehead stick out. This being, which from now on I’ll refer to as the thing posted a picture capturing the various stages of (surgical) abortion. Then underneath that picture there comes the flock.

Opinions were unified under a general hateful theme:

“shame to those who do it”, “horrendous”, “disgusting”, “how can people do it”, “murderers”, “crime”, “I would never do such a thing”, “wrong”, “innocent soul”, “whores those who do it” and my personal favourites “religion says it’s wrong” & “babies are godsend gifts”!

If you are amongst people who have such opinions, then you might want to look away and not read any further. The thing that posted that picture claims to be an educated person and from a discipline where such black and white opinions are not encouraged or promoted. But anyway I will not focus on the stupidity of just one person, it would be rather unfair!

First of all, there are two types of people who see the world in black and white:

1. Genuinely narrow-minded: The type of person, who refuses any alternatives offered to them, despite the provision of good arguments.
   
           Example: “There is a god, and he is watching us. Darwin was just another nutter who sailed around the world and collected birds for a hobby."
2. Ignorant: This is the type of person, who refuses to use the few brain cells that kind Nature offered to them and prefers to go along with the flow or the masses.
   Example: “Religion and society teaches us that women are inferior to men; shame on those who go out there and follow their dreams.”

To be frank, I don’t know which is worse. But, I am shocked that 99% of the comments published under the picture that the thing posted came from women and from people that grew up in an era where issues of morality and ethics are relative. I am not getting into the whole abortion debate as we all know the arguments for and against, and really, that’s not the issue here. I will focus more on the stupidity involved in “thinking” of such sensitive subjects.

As I read through the comments I realised that I was more pissed off with not what they were writing per se, but the way all of them agreed with one another like they were members of some sort of secret society of grand virtue, intelligence, morality, and court-like standards. I wouldn’t be surprised if these people turned out to be the same ones that argue for the idea of an Aryan race, exhibit Hitler-like characteristics, believe that the Earth is only 2,000 years old, or believe that there is a white-bearded white man sitting on a cloud holding a lighting and waiting to strike someone that did something “wrong”.

On the other hand, these same (hypocritical) people may engage in morally questionable actions during their everyday lives. But who cares about all these when you have in front of you a “baby murderer” right? That is the ultimate sin, they say, because you choose to “kill”, or let a human being die. Well, I’ve got news for you: people die every day, in Africa 60 babies per day do so.

People, the world is not black and white. If it is, then you are probably a dog (that’s a myth by the way). As I argued before, we are all hypocritical in nature. But at least some of us have the ability to keep our mouths shut when appropriate, or at least try and express our opinion in a civilised, educated way.

Oh, and just to clarify, babies are not godsend; they come from a blind date between an eager sperm and a very popular egg.

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Heavy Metal Under Study

The days of court battles, PMRC (Parents Music Resource Center), and accusations of satanic lyrics (and other “evils”) by Heavy Metal bands from religious fundamentalists and journalists alike may be long gone but that era has definitely left its mark on our favourite musical genre. You assume that a well-educated person, meaning a person with rich life experiences and the ability for critical thinking (rather than actual degrees – what I would call “reservoir toilet paper of the highest quality”), will be in a position to look back and laugh at the naive and ignorant society of the 80s. And most do.

But the stigma that Heavy Metal carried through to the 00s has become such mainstream that it attracted the attention of the higher levels of the academic and scientific communities.  Along come academic research and the New wave of “Metal Studies” (NWOMS – my own abbreviation!). After the ridiculous attack from the even more ridiculous ignorant PMRC in the early 80s, psychologists and other scientists decided to look into this social phenomenon in more detail.

Studies stripped down Heavy Metal; from song lyrics and MTV videos to stage presence. They looked for subliminal messages in songs of bands like Judas Priest and Twister Sister, the promotion of sex, drugs, and self-destructive behaviours and many more. Below are some scientifically derived (?) yet really hilarious conclusions about the Heavy Metal fans:

“. . .a mass following of youth, their denim clothes covered in studs and appliqué, their hair long and wild so as to swing freely when they shook their heads in time with the music – what they called head-banging”

Cashmore (1984, p. 37)

“Contingents of longhaired, denimed males . . . consuming large quantities of beer and playing imaginary guitar runs in sycophant homage to their alter egos performing on the stage”

Chambers (1985, p. 123) on the Reading and Knebworth festival goers

Now I am not saying these scientists were crazy for researching the relationship between Heavy Metal music preference and anti-social behaviours, suicide, anxiety, and depression. But as expected of poor and highly biased methodologies, studies offered conflicting evidence in all areas, be it psychological, social, or cultural and not many reliable conclusions. Brown (2011), from which the above quotations were extracted, reports that research has now shifted its focus from looking at Heavy Metal as a social problem to a more cultural and musicological approach (i.e. NWOMS).

This sort of research may not appeal or even be known to the average Heavy Metal fan and really, who cares what happens within the scientific/academic community, right? Well, it may sound boring but truth is that proper research approaches and methodologies undertaken by serious researchers who understand the Heavy Metal music and its “culture”, will manage to catch the attention of fans and educate them about the important aspects of their favourite genre.

My new found respect for the NWOMS derives mainly from people like Sam Dunn a Canadian musician, film director, and anthropologist (you probably know him as the director of Metal: A Headbangers Journey, Global Metal, and Iron Maiden: Flight 666) as well as Keith Kahn Harris a writer, sociologist, and music critic.

Heavy Metal music intrigues scientists and inspires research that may even lead to joke-like quotations like the above-mentioned, benefit to our own amusement. It might have given birth to strange phenomena such as head-banging, air guitar and provocative attire but at least it’s not responsible for plague-like phenomena such as women who want to be called “Lady”, have a weird fond of umbrellas or wish for you to hit them one more time!

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Article reference:

Brown, AR (2011). Heavy Genealogy: Mapping the Currents, Contraflows and Conflicts of the Emergent Field of Metal Studies, 1978-2010. Journal for Cultural Research, 15 (3), 213-242.

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Image credits:

http://en.wikipedia.org/

http://www.examiner.com

http://www.imdb.com

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Pretentious Apologies

Greetings humans.
I am back from what it was a holiday full of booze and annoying friendly interactions. To get into the subject, I first want to "apologise" for not writing for a while. Truth is my creative juices were running low, probably due to excessive drinking (not recommended). I write mostly out of annoyance. I found it hard to get annoyed while on holiday in my home country, probably due to the short stay. Good times....

Back in London now though and here I am annoyed again. And my annoyance is caused by pretentious apologies from pretentious or even kind in nature people. Both of these are equally annoying, pretentious or not. And I explain: You know when you walk in the chaos that it is Oxford Street and somebody-obviously in a great rush-nearly walks on you to get through? Or when you stand at the edge of the train holding a boiling hot coffee in your hands and as the doors close someone jumps in, pushes you with full force as you visualise the 3rd degree burns on your hands? Or when somebody next to you is listening to their favourite pop music with those £300 noise cancelling headphones which obviously don't work that well? Or when you stand in a packed tube carriage and someone's penis is dangerously close to your bum?

All the above are valid situations for someone, i.e. the above-mentioned idiots, to apologise for. I know I would be really pissed off if they didn't. There are times though where an apology is not necessary or even appropriate. Come on, we all pushed, ever so slightly, while overtaking a hopelessly slow wanderer in front of us. Similarly, we all grabbed someone's hand or even stepped on them while trying not to die as the tube driver brakes relentlessly. And there are times when we only have £20 notes when buying a £1 bottle of water. Why should we apologise for that?

Still, we apologise for major things, we apologise for minor things, we apologise to someone pushing us, we apologise for breathing, we even apologise for existing. And most do it instinctively without even realising it. No need for a friendly pat in the back, hell no need for eye contact! No apologetic body language. This phenomenon is evident all over Britain. Especially amongst Londoners (of various ethnicities- this is for the sensitive ones). Why this fake apologetic culture? I personally don't understand and refuse to believe is common courtesy. There are some deeper issues here.

On the other hand, [and to avoid the decorative name calling i.e. impolite, ignorant, racist] I came back from a country where "sorry", "pardon me" etc are not used that often. You will not find many of the Greeks apologising for anything. They don't feel that urge to not be misunderstood. They are as loud and as arrogant as you could possibly imagine. They will push you to get ahead, they will step on you, they will call you names as they do, and they will not feel sorry about it. Ok, maybe I am going too far but I want to make a point.

Can't there be a middle ground for that? Can't we just take the British politeness and combine it with some of the Greek laid back attitude? Do we really need to commercialise the art of apologising? It's not too much to request a genuine apology for something substantial now is it? So next time you accidentally push me, there is no need to apologise for it. But if your armpit is in my face or your penis is anywhere near my bum, you better beg for forgiveness!  
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Image credits:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/

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