Where Do You Stand In The "Twattering" World?

by Guest Author Jokka

Express your most insightful thoughts to the world in 140 characters or less. Some of us politics students can only dream of a world where social scientists would be so kind as to be that succinct. That said, in the brief time that Twitter has caught and held my attention I have found it somewhat difficult to condense a thought into 140 characters without havin 2 make sum serious compromises 2 my spellin n grama, a task that is in no way natural to me on account of my time spent in the long-winded world of social science. Why use 140 characters when 140 million will do? Because it's fun I hear you cry! Here's my take on the weird and wonderful people who flock to the phenomenon that is twitter.

Image by Tony Gigov

The Nympho Tweeter 

This tweeter is prolific and not afraid to show it. Often these users will log on through their mobile phones, tweeting their every thought, move and traumatic event. Quantity rather than quality is often the angle with this bunch.

E.g. So now Im @ the station waitin 4 my train. Got a mag & sum crisps from the shop. Yay

The Gluttonous Tweeter

Often a direct descendent of the Nympho Tweeter who perhaps has run out of things to say. This tweeter is seemingly always eating, posting details of their every meal and even posting pictures of everything from their gourmet burger at the local gastro pub to their failed attempts at a chocolate soufflé.

E.g. 4 lunch Im havin a BLT sarnie on brown from Greggs n a red Ribena. Dont no 2 get pasty 2

The Comedy Hash-Tag Tweeter 

This is the kind of Tweeter that I one day may aspire to be. Not prolific enough to be annoying, and certainly witty enough to be worth a read, the Comedy Hash-Tag Tweeter will tweet anecdotes from their day, or interesting thoughts and insert a hash-tag with a comic twist. 

Eg. I just realised I can fit 34 grapes into my mouth at once. #slutty

The Trendy Tweeter 

The tweeter will observe what the current trends are on twitter and then proceed to tell everyone who or what is trending, often to their disbelief or disgust, and include them in the post thus continuing the trend. This particular tweeter baffles me. The activity is not dissimilar to the real life scenario created by stock market speculation, without the often horrific consequences, though still just as systemically inevitable and pointless. 

E.g. OMG *insert z-list celeb here* is trending. Why the hell is #*aforementioned z-list celeb* trending!! Uhggh!!

The Retweeter A.k.a The Distribution Tweeter

Pretty self explanatory... They use Twitter for the sole purpose of spreading or re-tweeting what someone else has already said, seemingly unable to make a similar remark in 140 characters or less. Although, they often re-tweet interesting links when they fancy.

E.g. RT wat Thatotherguy656 said

Image by Tony Gigov

The Spam-Twitter Tweeter

Most of what is on the internet is not actually porn as many believe but spam. In actual fact, spam is a tech term for advertising. The real life equivalent of junk mail. Often falls under two sub-categories:

- The Ordinary Spam-Twitter Tweeter

People using twitter to spread phishing scams and advertising club nights, home-made jewellery and just about anything else you can possibly imagine. Ordinary people circulating spam will be reported and possibly banned from Twitter.

- The Celeb Spam-Twitter Tweeter

Celebrities using Twitter to promote their new book, CD, tour, film and anything else you can possibly imagine. Alan Sugar is a frequent offender on my homepage. Celebrities circulating spam will make lots of money and be adored by Twitter. 

E.g. Club Getyourtitsandlegsout.Sat.Cheap drinks.Presentin DJ MydaddyboughtmeamixingdeckandBeatsheadphonesforxmas

E.g. Buy my book u nonces! NOW! *Amazon link*

[BTW - I hope you all enjoyed my play on words dedicated to every ones' favourite surprise meat breakfast treat. It's there for you in good times and nuclear fallout alike].

The Silent Tweeter

Doesn't actually do much tweeting at all but simply uses Twitter to keep tabs on celebrities. Often these are obsessive individuals. May lead to actually physical stalking, which I am obligated to state could lead to prosecution in the United Kingdom.

The Ex-Facebooker Tweeter

People who moved on to using Twitter when they found themselves constantly updating their status and not doing much else.

E.g. #MarkZuckerburgisdissapointedinyou

The Everything-But Tweeter

This tweeter will often be the amalgamation of many kinds of tweeters – Retweeting, spamming, answering to tweets, silently stalking etc... However, regardless of the mix they all have one thing in common. They never tweet any original tweets of their own, but will agree to do 'everything-but', thus keeping their Twitterginity intact – arguably.

The Complicated Tweeter

How would I describe my relationship with Twitter? It's Complicated. I'm a bit of commitment-phobe and I don't want Twitter to get its hopes up. Besides, I might just stay with Facebook for now until google plus' chlamydia clears up.

E.g. I'm really starting to understand this Twitter business #lies

So tell me, what kind of Tweeter are you then?

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Jokka is currently unemployed but will tell stories for food. She loves stand up comedy, Chuck Palahniuk, bizarre films and eating. If she could spend the rest of her life doing one thing she'd spend it on a beach with bottle of rum in one hand and a man with low standards in the other while she dictates her articles to a type-writing parrot with a higher IQ than most of the cast of Glee. She is simultaneously looking forward to and dreading her stand up début next month. You can follow her thoughts by visiting her blog at http://thelaughingarmadillo.blogspot.com/

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Image Credits:

Tony Gigov on http://www.pink-sheep.com

http://www.toondoo.com

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Pretentious Apologies

Greetings humans.
I am back from what it was a holiday full of booze and annoying friendly interactions. To get into the subject, I first want to "apologise" for not writing for a while. Truth is my creative juices were running low, probably due to excessive drinking (not recommended). I write mostly out of annoyance. I found it hard to get annoyed while on holiday in my home country, probably due to the short stay. Good times....

Back in London now though and here I am annoyed again. And my annoyance is caused by pretentious apologies from pretentious or even kind in nature people. Both of these are equally annoying, pretentious or not. And I explain: You know when you walk in the chaos that it is Oxford Street and somebody-obviously in a great rush-nearly walks on you to get through? Or when you stand at the edge of the train holding a boiling hot coffee in your hands and as the doors close someone jumps in, pushes you with full force as you visualise the 3rd degree burns on your hands? Or when somebody next to you is listening to their favourite pop music with those £300 noise cancelling headphones which obviously don't work that well? Or when you stand in a packed tube carriage and someone's penis is dangerously close to your bum?

All the above are valid situations for someone, i.e. the above-mentioned idiots, to apologise for. I know I would be really pissed off if they didn't. There are times though where an apology is not necessary or even appropriate. Come on, we all pushed, ever so slightly, while overtaking a hopelessly slow wanderer in front of us. Similarly, we all grabbed someone's hand or even stepped on them while trying not to die as the tube driver brakes relentlessly. And there are times when we only have £20 notes when buying a £1 bottle of water. Why should we apologise for that?

Still, we apologise for major things, we apologise for minor things, we apologise to someone pushing us, we apologise for breathing, we even apologise for existing. And most do it instinctively without even realising it. No need for a friendly pat in the back, hell no need for eye contact! No apologetic body language. This phenomenon is evident all over Britain. Especially amongst Londoners (of various ethnicities- this is for the sensitive ones). Why this fake apologetic culture? I personally don't understand and refuse to believe is common courtesy. There are some deeper issues here.

On the other hand, [and to avoid the decorative name calling i.e. impolite, ignorant, racist] I came back from a country where "sorry", "pardon me" etc are not used that often. You will not find many of the Greeks apologising for anything. They don't feel that urge to not be misunderstood. They are as loud and as arrogant as you could possibly imagine. They will push you to get ahead, they will step on you, they will call you names as they do, and they will not feel sorry about it. Ok, maybe I am going too far but I want to make a point.

Can't there be a middle ground for that? Can't we just take the British politeness and combine it with some of the Greek laid back attitude? Do we really need to commercialise the art of apologising? It's not too much to request a genuine apology for something substantial now is it? So next time you accidentally push me, there is no need to apologise for it. But if your armpit is in my face or your penis is anywhere near my bum, you better beg for forgiveness!  
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Image credits:
http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/

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The Evil Top Lists

Let's face it. We have all succumbed to the simplicity and the doubtful usefulness of top-like lists at some point. These are usually numbered ideas of what it is considered top in a specific area of interest or disinterest. They come in different forms and derive from the use of various creative thinking (in)abilities.

I always find myself googling to find out the "best" or "top" choices and ideas for me. From trip destinations, gift ideas, new music directions to life-changing advice. But I can't stop thinking of the evilness of these simple writings. For starters, they are completely subjective to one person's or "expert" committee's opinion.

The worst kind of top-like lists falling under this critique are the ones rating musical greatness, be it instrumental, lyrical, or performance. I apologise for thinking that anyone who has ears and intact perceptual processes can be a critic of music. Okay, fair enough, there are people who need the additional push of having a higher IQ, especially if they are drawn to pop music (don't want to be repetitive but pop music requires none of the above). Furthermore, since when is talent measurable and reducible to lists? It certainly shows, but on the other hand what defines Jimi Hendrix's guitar playing greater than Jimmy Page's as to be placed on the top of all "best guitar players" lists? Is it perhaps his revolutionary approach to guitar playing? Or maybe his musical impact? Who knows?

My second critique to top-like lists is their restrictive nature. They push you into thinking "What if I don't like that? What if I have other preferences? Am I uncool or not expert enough? Or maybe I'm missing something here". I know I thought I missed something when I followed many top destination lists' advice and went to Lisbon. I'm sorry, but comparatively, Lisbon is no top and no destination for that matter (no offence, I still love the Portuguese).

Another evil side of top-like lists is the way they lure you into not thinking and not trying to figure solutions youself. For example, let's take the pretentious how to lists, especially the ones dealing with life changes. "How to become happier in 5 simple steps" or the more sought after "10 rules to loosing your belly fat". Give me a break! Happiness is not a five step plan and the belly fat will probably not go away by ruling out. Unless you are advanced enough to find a way to put a lock on your mouth, or modify your genes.

And for the irony of it I made my own lists of top-like lists and categorised them by usefulness.

Top 5 useful top-like lists:
1. 10 simple rules to being a human being
Because the truth is some of us do need some guidance in that area
2. 25 successful tips to tax evasion plus 5 bonus tips on cheating death 
Because you can't avoid either according to somebody who had too much free time that enabled them to come up with it
3. Top 5 ways of cooking potatoes
Because they are awesome
4. 50 hints that your life sucks
Because you can never be certain enough
5. Top 10 evolutionary advances you should already possess
Because you should

Top 5 useless top-like lists:
1. 5 techniques to impress a woman
Because they won't work
2. Top 100 pop songs of all time
Because they don't exist
3. 10 strategies to spice-up your sex life
Because you'll probably end up divorced or in hospital
4. 7 steps to a happier life
Because happiness is subjective and doesn't happen in steps
5. 15 ways to look cool
Because if you haven't got it, drop it

My point is, you live, you fail, and you learn. You don't need ready-made guides on music taste, happiness, dating, or whatever other "bestness" is served out there by people who have nothing better to do. If you cannot avoid it though, browse and enjoy the diverse evilness of different lists created by intelligent aliens seeking to take over the world.
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Image credits:
http://www.searchamelia.com
http://theplanetd.com

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Religion Vs Rock N' Roll

I know, the title couldn't be more kitschy and lame. But here is what the world has come to! I have been avoiding to get into this debate (i.e. the religion, not the Rock N' Roll one) for obvious reasons:

1. I am not religious, at all, so my thoughts and ideas are probably biased (or maybe scientifically researched, educated, and rational);
2. I will defend Rock N' Roll (not intentional Christian Rock, Satanic Rock or whatever useless piece of propaganda out there, just pure Rock N' Roll);
3. I despise ignorance and people who are comfortable with it.

I will probably make more enemies than attract followers with this piece of writing but a person has to do what's honest to them. So here it is then!

I've recently read another piece of "creative writing" (and I am being very kind here) by a certain person, of certain religious beliefs, through a certain propagandic website. I will not disclose any more details as I do not want to advertise them more than I need to.

This piece starts off by describing how the Rock N' Roll scene has shocked parents around the world; from Elvis' hip moves, to The Beatles' haircut (!), The Rolling Stones' vulgar rock, Jefferson Airplane's hippie ways, and last but not least, Heavy Metal's advocation of sexual promiscuity, homosexuality, drug abuse, and Satanism (notice the capital S!).

Then it goes on to defend the Rock music that suits them best, i.e. the one infused with relevant religious elements and in their opinion human sensitivity, poetry, and constructive social criticism and ditch the Rock music that is EVIL.

Evil Wrong Rock music (could be a new sub-genre, don't you think?) according to these people is the music of Sex & Lust (i.e. Mötley Crüe). It goes into a detailed discussion about scenes of sex & lust in specific songs and the androgynous look of Mick Jagger. Then we have Rebellion, a condition promoted by Rock music along with attacks towards society, parents, school, and god....!

Then follows Aggression & Violence, apparently evident on MTV. Here is the argument that mostly got on my nerves (politely put): Heavy Metal music is not intellectual, it's meant to connect to the "most base and low levels of the unconscious mind". There are so many wrongs in that sentence, that as a Psychologist, I'm offended by the lack of interest, understanding, and pretentious use of what they think is deep and science-y enough to impress the readers.

The fourth danger of Rock is Immediate Gratification, enjoying life in the present and avoiding thoughts about the future. Finally, we have Satanism, which as always cannot be excluded from any discussion on Rock music. Here we are presented with examples like The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, and MTV. The blame for satanism is settled then!

Reading this article evoked many feelings in me: mainly the EVIL ones! I was surprised how people can be so narrow-minded, ignorant, and dishonest all at the same time. I don't wish to attack people personally, that is not my purpose in life. I worry how religious propagandas undermine the intellectual ability of people. Especially when these propagandas come from people who change their religious affiliations like dirty underwear.

Surely a well-educated, wise, and rational person can understand that Rock music cannot be blamed for all social problems. And by well-educated I don't necessarily mean people with University level degrees etc. On the contrary, I mean people with life experiences that teach more than a University doctorate.

People are way smarter than the person who wrote the article thinks (or is). Surely, from a psychological perspective, the teenage years are a very challenging and sensitive period in our lives. But most problems derive from inadequate familial, educational, and societal support and guidance. Music, in the same way as books, movies, and TV, does carry some challenges and thought-provoking views, ideas, even fantastical elements. 

It's the way children are equipped that will determine whether they succumb to stupid ideas such as satanism, gods, and mythological creatures. I wish that people would simply stop blaming general vague umbrella-type terms such as Heavy Metal for all the problems society (another vague umbrella-type term!) faces.

Just to be clear: As I do not believe in a white-bearded, long-haired, sandal and cape-wearing man, sitting on a white cloud and picking his next "miracle" victim, the same way I do not believe in a red-faced, goatee-bearer, goat-like man, with horns, sitting in the deepest parts of earth, stirring an imaginary soup made with humans in a giant cauldron.     

Imagination can help with creativity but sometimes it can get in the way of reality as well.

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Image credits:

http://www.rokpool.com/

http://www.motley.com

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Generation: Vanity

I introduce to you the generation of vanity:

Woman
* Egocentricity: me me me me!
* Self-esteem: appears to be high even borderline narcissistic but in reality bottom low and highly insecure
* Self-obsession: obvious due to too much make-up, too much hairstyling, too much fake tan, too much of everything
* Thickness: intellectually-challenged, i.e. IQ < 90
* Social disability: no real friendships, bitchiness, gossip, backstabbing, sabotaging
* Loudness: attention-seeker, annoying, wannabe
* Interests: fashion, clubbing, sex, gym
* Education: minimum
* Occupation: girlfriend to rich guy
* Life purpose: next top model, pop star, wife of rich guy

Man
* Egotism: me, mine, and I!

* Self-involvement: own life and needs over and above everyone else's
* Mental abilities: limited, overshadowed by body issues
* Vainglory: muscle-building, greasy hair, body waxing, fake tan
* Social status: relatively high, friendships based on money and greed
* Interests: body building, tennis, strip-clubs, sex
* Education: as much as he can get away with
* Occupation: banker (replace b with w)
* Life purpose: money and sex

Usefulness

- intellectual balance: you can only have a certain amount of Einstein-like humans
- social comparison: used as an example to be avoided by parents to their children
- natural selection: self-explanatory (read Darwin)
- emotional buffer: used as punch balls for venting frustration and hate towards society and its values

Future Directions: Breed Limit
Although useful, people like the above-mentioned need to be limited in terms of reproduction for obvious reasons. As a friend said, if evolution is not doing what it's supposed to do, I better get a shotgun and start helping.


Disclaimer: No I will not start shooting people, I trust evolution.
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Image credit:
C. Allan Gilbert

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Pretentious Open-mindedness

Definition: Excessive or unnecessary display of receptiveness to new or different ideas in an attempt to be "unique"

Synonyms: Bullshitting, shamming, feigning

Applies to: Idiots who think they are "it"

Examples (conscious or sub-conscious reality in parenthesis):

"I am really open-minded man, I mean, I can appreciate all sorts of music" (after all, I believe I am the musical critic of the century and too cool to be associated with just one genre, though.... I really want to fit damn it!)

"I am not racist at all, actually I have friends from all over the world " (since I really want to be the person that changes the world and the way it operates in a vain attempt to be different and develop my low self-esteem)

"I am in an open relationship and I actually like it" (go on try it yourself... with my girlfriend/boyfriend, just don't tell people I am actually so insecure I can't live with myself)

"I believe in my own religion, but I can accept other people's beliefs too" (although I am so eager to look beyond religious boundaries because of my own self-doubt in terms of morality)

"I am not homophobic, I have gay friends too" (if they try to hit on me, I am out because I feel that my sexuality is above everything and anyone who tries to challenge it)

"I can accept criticism, in fact it intrigues me" (although it is a fact that I am perfect and I can do the favour of listening to what normal people have to say since I think I am the smartest person that ever existed on this earth - though without any original ideas)

"I am the coolest person you know, I can accept you as you are" (deep down inside I hate your guts and I hope you die, you lame excuse of a human being)

There are many more examples for which I will need to access the subconscious level to find but will try and add later on.

Disclaimer: I am not excluding myself from the above, in fact what I am trying to say is that this is a way of life for many people. I am criticising those who choose not to admit it and still think they belong in a higher class of the human species (or should I say, animal kingdom?).

With great respect and open-mindedness as always! :)
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Image credit:
http://www.funnysigns.net/

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Human Hypocrisy/ Delusional Life

I have noticed that the most common characteristic in human beings is hypocrisy, mainly towards themselves. And here is why...

Every person has the need to delude themselves during most (if not all) of their day. It starts in the morning, when you pretend to have woken up from what you consider a great sleep and you feel excitement for the day, or more specifically for the job you have "chosen". You continue with your hypocritical skills developing slowly when you ask you colleagues about their day, if they feel that the new coffee maker in the office is better and more efficient than the old one or harder to operate, and if they would prefer Brazil over Cuba for their next destination.

Your hypocrisy unfolds at the meeting with your boss, when he asks if everything is OK and whether you are having any difficulties for which he could provide some sort of help (since he is the greatest boss ever) and you reassure him that everything is perfect and problems at work are not something to worry about since you all work very well together, kind of like brothers and sisters. During lunchtime you hypocrisy takes over when it's time to go home and you can only think of all the unfinished to-dos you still have on your list and the importance of not letting down your boss and colleagues, who you are very fond of. You, as a master in hypocrisy, think of how much better you could work for the sake of the company if you could concentrate just a bit more.

You immediately forget about that since your hypocrisy needs to be focused elsewhere; while you walk towards your brand new Audi car, which you admit needed some intelligent use of your hypocritical skills in order to persuade the bank to give you the money, right? You drive towards home and you now think of the wonderful 4 bedroom house that you designed and built from scratch just like you BOTH always dreamt of, without compromises to each other's tastes - you see, everything is similar, even your tastes in decor. The dinner you are about to have with your perfect -middle class- family which consists of two adults and 3 wonderful, angelic, young ones, is surely the best since your favourite take-away restaurant never lets you down. Your hypocrisy needs to work a bit more now, when during dinner you can't wait to hear about your partner's day at work, your children's homework, and the shared decision about the colour of the new living room curtains.

But don't worry, because your drama doesn't stop here! You still need to persuade yourself that you and your partner are perfect for each other, since it was love at first sight, and since everybody always says how you are the ideal couple. This persuasion process has to be implemented because the day is at its end and you are tired after you had to work so hard on being hypocritical. If you don't do it though, how could you possibly lie on this gigantic bed with your other half who, by the way, still interests you sexually not only due to the 100 carat ring you both carry on your 4th finger and not due to the state/church document that's stuck in some drawer (where the hell is this document?), but because this person is the person you first fell in love with during your teenage years and they haven't changed a bit in the last 20 years you've been together, and you still enjoy each other's company.

By now, not only your hypocrisy has taken over your whole being, but maybe now you are the definition of hypocrisy in the last edition of the Oxford dictionary, since the only person you can think of while you make love to your partner is that model - what's her/his name again?- in volume 24, page 13 of a magazine that a friend sent you in one of those "very much welcomed" e-mails that you receive at work, a job which every single cell in your body hates (because you have always wanted to be a pilot- what the hell are you doing in an office?) because of the anxiety it causes you every day after waking up from a sleep full of nightmares which usually include your partner driving the Audi with the young ones at the back, leaving your favourite restaurant (after they have picked up the usual shitty food you eat every single night- aren't there any other freaking restaurants?) and driving towards your house, where all your colleagues (for whom you wouldn't really care if they went to hell since they only consume precious oxygen) are waiting to surprise you for your 4oth birthday (who told them that you wish to celebrate one more miserable day of your pathetic life?), and instead they end up crashing with high speed on your 4 bedroom house (which you passionately hate because you haven't even chosen its location) while you are standing 3 metres away laughing because the only thing you can think of right now is how well the new red living room curtains (which you haven't chosen either) go with the bloodshed you see in front of you!

This is how you live a successful, delusional life.
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Image credit:
http://www.elistmania.com/

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